Episode 128 - The God of Sideways Tornadoes (Honours and Awards Week)
All hail princess potato
Her favourite film is Commando
She’s really good at the banjo
All hail princess potato
A few comments about Neil Buchanan from the patrons
We had a right medieval cockney knees up when we all chipped in with some alternative plague-related lyrics to Ironic by Alanis Morrisette
Gday guys I found your pod cast a few days ago and have so far made it to episode 11 in which Tom tells you some Australian slang sayings . Being an Australian guy myself iv Hurd quite a few and thought I’d see if you or Tom have Hurd one of my favourites which is of corse ‘ we’re not here to fuck spiders’ ha ha let me know if you’ve ever Hurd that one
I have settled this week on a topic that isn’t a goldmine of interesting historical content, but is a goldmine for silliness. I’m going to present the Bad Sex in Fiction Award, which has been handed out annually since 1993 by London-based magazine The Literary Review. The objective of this award is simple; to deter authors from writing cringe-worthy accounts of sex. Simple. It’s not meant to be a criticism of an author’s entire work, in fact, the judges are interested in good author who write good books. This makes sense; there are plenty of shit authors around who are unable to get their naff book published, and so I doubt it would be hard to find bad sex descriptions.
Now some of you might be thinking at this moment, hold on Tommy Big Nose, this award started in 1993, that’s younger than your Encyclopedia Britannica, it’s hardly history. Do not worry, I’m going to start with the awards and then branch out into a little bit of related history.
Let’s start with the most recent winners; Didier Decoin and John Harvery; joint winners from 2019 (the last awards).
“Katsuro moaned as a bulge formed beneath the material of his kimono, a bulge that Miyuki seized, kneaded, massaged, squashed and crushed. With the fondling, Katsuro’s penis and testicles became one single mound that rolled around beneath the grip of her hand. Miyuki felt as though she was manipulating a small monkey that was curling up its paws.”
“She was burning hot and the heat was in him. He looked down on her perfect black slenderness. Her eyes were ravenous. Like his own they were fire and desire. More than torrid, more than tropical: they two were riding the Equator. They embraced as if with violent holding they could weld the two of them one.”
The year before, James Frey won with this cracker:
“I’m hard and deep inside her fucking her on the bathroom sink her tight little black dress still on her thong on the floor my pants at my knees our eyes locked, our hearts and souls and bodies locked.Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.
Cum inside me.
Blinding breathless shaking overwhelming exploding white God I cum inside her my cock throbbing we’re both moaning eyes hearts souls bodies one.
I close my eyes let out my breath.
I lean against her both breathing hard I’m still inside her smiling. She takes my hands lifts them and places them around her body, she puts her arms around me, we stay still and breathe, hard inside her, tight and warm and wet around me, we breathe. She gently pushes me away, we look into each other’s eyes, she smiles.”
The 2018 award really was hotly contested. James Frey’s account beat the following off (ahem):
“Beneath them her wetness met his own wetness, and they stirred against each other, she pestled him slowly, until miraculously he found himself rigid again, as though he had risen out of his own pain, fresh and ready.”
“I slipped my erect penis inside. Or, from another angle, that part of her actively swallowed my penis, immersing it in what felt like warm butter.”
“Her vaginal ratchet moved in concertina-like waves, slowly chugging my organ as a boa constrictor swallows its prey.”
Anyway, we could spend all day enjoying these accounts of sex. All of the winners, along with some of the shortlisted passages, can be found at https://literaryreview.co.uk/. Enjoy!
Let’s just finish off with one of the more famous winners, the self-important, narcissistic Mancurian India Rock Twat Morrissey, who is most famous for being a self-important, narcissistic Mancurian India Rock Twat. He won in 2015 with this cracker:
“Eliza and Ezra rolled together into the one giggling snowball of full-figured copulation, screaming and shouting as they playfully bit and pulled at each other in a dangerous and clamorous rollercoaster coil of sexually violent rotation with Eliza’s breasts barrel-rolled across Ezra’s howling mouth and the pained frenzy of his bulbous salutation extenuating his excitement as it whacked and smacked its way into every muscle of Eliza’s body except for the otherwise central zone.”
That charming man. Disappointingly I quite like his music.
So now to some history. I’m not going to lie to you, I committed to this topic not really anticipating how hard it would be to find examples of cringeworthy sex descriptions in historical literature. Not one to be perturbed, and also well aware that our podcast gets chaotic and random sometimes so our listeners expect it, I ploughed on.
My first port of call was the Bible because any description of sex by a member of the cloth (oh I say) is going to be cringeworthy. But does the Bible have any good accounts of sex? Well you’d think not wouldn’t you. Wrong! The 6th the 7th century BC pervy prophet Ezekiel wrote the following:
“When she carried on her prostitution openly and exposed her naked body, I turned away from her in disgust, just as I had turned away from her sister. 19 Yet she became more and more promiscuous as she recalled the days of her youth, when she was a prostitute in Egypt. 20 There she lusted after her lovers, whose genitals were like those of donkeys and whose emission was like that of horses. 21 So you longed for the lewdness of your youth, when in Egypt your bosom was caressed and your young breasts fondled.”
I couldn’t take my eyes off it!
This is merely a titbit in an extended passage, (ooo err missus) which is actually an allegory. Ezekiel is likening the cities of Samaria and Jerusalem to prostitutes, because they have committed idolatry. This seems to happen a lot in the Old Testament doesn’t it? Someone has the audacity to say, ooh that’s a nice religion, much for fun than Judaism, I’ll follow that one. Then God gives ‘em the what for.
Another other funny account of sex comes from Leviticus, supposedly the word of Moses. We’ve mentioned this book before because Moses lists all the things you shouldn’t have sex with (staplers, ugly people, hoovers, Jimmy Saville, the porridge draw etc.). “When a man has sexual relations with a woman and there is an emission of semen, both of them must bathe with water, and they will be unclean till evening.”
MONTY PYTHON LADY VOICE “This is a Catholic school so that’s your sex education finished.”
Finally, there’s this ridiculous passage from Genesis, it’s the classic Sodom and Gomorrah episode that is too weird not to include:
3 But he insisted so strongly that they [angels] did go with him and entered his house. He prepared a meal for them, baking bread without yeast, and they ate. 4 Before they had gone to bed, all the men from every part of the city of Sodom—both young and old—surrounded the house. 5 They called to Lot, “Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them.”
6 Lot went outside to meet them and shut the door behind him 7 and said, “No, my friends. Don’t do this wicked thing. 8 Look, I have two daughters who have never slept with a man. Let me bring them out to you, and you can do what you like with them. But don’t do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection of my roof.”
One final note on the Bible, I found that the term ‘sexual relations’ crops up a lot. It felt like a Bill Clinton impeachment. “I did not have sexual relations with that porridge draw”).
I then went through my Koran and found one reference to sex (boring Muslims); “They ask you [Prophet] about menstruation. Say, ‘menstruation is a painful condition, so keep away from women during it. Do not approach them until they are cleansed; when they are cleansed, you may approach them as God has directed you.’” The translator indicates with a footnote that this means sex. Below this is another footnote that reads, “when the Muslims emigrated to Medina, they heard from Jews that a child born from a women approached from behind would have a squint.” Good to know.
As my research continued, I discovered many wonderful historical sources that concern themselves with sex, but these sources were far too good to waste on a passing reference, so I’ve pocketed them for future episodes. They also weren’t really cringe-worthy, they were deliberately comical. Anyway, by this point I had reached page 3 of my notes, so I will finish with this poem from, Philodemus, a 1st century BC Greek poet
“He gives her five talents for one turn
and fucks her while shaking—and, dear god, she isn’t pretty.
I give Lysianassa five drachmas for twelve turns—
I fuck a better woman and do it openly.
Either I am completely insane, or all that remains
is to lop off his twin balls with an axe.”