• That Was Genius Team

Episode 74 - All Hail the Royal Dildo Maker (Orgy Week)

Tom's Notes; The Farce of Sodom


Not the easiest week! I knew you’d gone Roman, which meant I didn’t want to do anything Classical! What a pity, I’m sure Plutarch has something to say about Rampantus Bonkus, the Sicilian Swinger, or Bukkakiles, the Delphinian Dong-Drainer, or even Maximus Chlamydia, the Gum-Clinic Gaul.


I searched around and after many a disappointment, I found a good source from the English Restoration. A play that involve characters such as Bolloximian the King of Sodom, Cuntigratia his Queen, Buggeranthus the General and Fuckadilla the maid of honour.


Let’s start with some history, radical I know. The English Restoration for beginners:


“Ooooh Charles, you big bumhole. Off with your head!”

“Aye up, my name’s Oliver Cromwell, I’m a boring bastard with no friends. Christmas is banned!”

“We’ve had enough of all this boringness, let’s ask Charlie Two if he’ll take over”

“Hooray, kings and queens again!”


If you found that easy, here’s the next level up:


Charles I has his head chopped off in 1649 towards the end of the English Civil War. England has various forms of republican government for 11 years. Thomas Cromwell is in charge for a large part of the Interregnum. In 1660, things go back to normal and Charles II is invited back to England to become king. The Parliamentarians who won the Civil War, and were in charge during the Interregnum, were boring Puritans. When monarchy was re-established, there was a swing from repressive, conservative, Puritan morals to much more liberal, free and often very bawdy morals.


With this as our context, let’s discuss the Farce of Sodom, also known as The Quintessence of Debauchery; a play first published in 1684. It was written, allegedly, by John Wilmot, the 2nd Earl of Rochester. He is your archetypal Restoration Rake; the fact that he died at the age of 33 of venereal disease is testament to his carefree lifestyle. The play is bawdy and rude, which is obviously part of Wimot’s reaction to the Puritan morals of the Interregnum, but it is also a satire on Charles II’s willingness to tolerate Catholicism when Catholicism was officially banned. Remember that this period in history generally, is all about killing people based on their subtly different interpretations of a crappy historical document about a mythical cloud dweller and his sanctimonious twat of a son.


Anyway, that’s enough history, let’s get our teeth into the Farce of Sodom; thank you Wikisource!


The First Act


We have a scene with 5 main characters; Bolloximian (the King of Sodom), Borastus (Buggermaster-General), Pockenello (the Kings favourite and a pimp), Pene and Tooly (both pimps of honour).


The Buggermaster General comes out with this cracking rhyming couplet;


May plentiful delights of cunt and arse

Be never wanting to your royal tarse.


Tarse being an archaic term of one willy.


Here’s a wonderful interaction (silly voices).


BOLLOXIMIAN:

But this advice belongs to you alone

Borastus. No longer I my cunts admire,

The drudgery has worn out my desire.


BORASTUS:

Your grace may soon to human arse retire.


BOLLOXIMIAN:

My pleasures for new cunts I will uphold,

And have reserves of kindness for the old.

I grant in absence dildo may be used

With milk of goats, when once our seed's infused.

My prick no more to bald cunt shall resort—

Merkins rub off, and often spoil the sport.


POCKENELLO:

Let merkin, sir, be banished from the court.


And the way I enacted this play is actually very accurate. It wasn’t written, surprisingly, to grace the theatre. It was written to be spoken by an individual at small gatherings.


Bolloximian declares the following:


Henceforth, Borastus, set the nation free.

Let conscience have its force of liberty.

I do proclaim, that buggery may be used

O'er all the land, so cunt be not abused.


Bolloxinian ends the scene by deciding to bugger a rather game Pockenello.


Second scene


Let me set the scene here; there’s a lady standing on her head pissing into the air pretending to be a fountain. We’ve got Cuntigratia (the Queen), Officina (she-pimp of honour), Fuckadilla, Cunticula and Clitoris (maids of honour).


In this scene, the Queen Cuntigratia is upset that her husband isn’t interested in sex any more. So she decided to go after the General Buggeranthus:


CUNTIGRATIA:

The General! I long to see his prick.

They say he swives all women to a trance!


FUCKADILLA:

Madam, you'll say so when you see his lance.


Cuntigratia is a bit put off though, she wants some action now, quote:


OFFICINA:

Sit down and frig awhile—'twill ease your pain.


CUNTIGRATIA:

I spring a leak. All hands to pump amain!


Second Act


6 men and 6 women basically have an orgy. The enter Pricket and Swivia, Prince and Princess. The Prince has been away a while and has returned a grown man.


SWIVIA:

I ne'er saw it since. Let's see how much 'tis grown?

By heavens, a neat one! Now we are alone,

I'll shut the door, and you shall see my thing.


PRICKETT:

Strange how it looks—methinks it smells like ling:

It has a beard, yes, and a mouth all raw—

The strangest creature that I ever saw.

Are these the beasts that keep men so in awe?


The two of them, you know, swive. Then Cuntigratia turns up wanting a bit of action too! Unfortunately, Prickett is rather tired and is of no use.


Third Act


Cuntigratia and Buggeranthus, Queen and General, are talking.


Cuntigratia rather blunty states that she wants some action. Buggeranthus is just tired of all this swiving, and can’t oblige.


The King enters and says:


Since I have buggered human arse I find

Pintle to cunt is not so much inclined


The General Buggeranthus turns up. Bolloximian asks him…


BOLLOXIMIAN:

How are they pleased with what I did proclaim?


BUGGERANTHUS:

They practise it in honour of your name,

If lust presents, they want no woman's aid.

Each buggers with content his own comrade.


BOLLOXIMIAN:

They know 'tis chargeable with cunts to play.


Buggeranthus goes on to explain that he encountered a lady on the way to the King who was struggling to find anything to bonk, so she’d had a go on a horse.


The King:

Such women ought to live, pray find her out.

She shall a pintle have, both stiff and stout.

Bollocks shall hourly by her cunt be sucked,

She shall be daily by all nations fucked.

Industrious cunts should never pintle want—

She shall be mistress to my elephant.


Bolloximian then welcomes a messenger from a neighbouring king, gives him some boys to bugger, and then buggers a boy himself.


Fourth act.


We’re with the ladies again. It opens with this cracker:


OFFICINA:

Let's see the late improvement of your art—

These dildos are not worth a fart.


This act, in a nutshell, is an interaction between randy ladies of the court and the courts chief dildo maker.


Fifth act


This scene starts with women and men playing musical instruments with their private parts. Flux makes his first appearance; he’s the court Physician.


FLUX:

To Love and Nature all their rights restore,

Fuck no men, and let buggery be no more.

It does the propagable end destroy,

Which Nature gave with pleasure to enjoy.

Please her, and she'll be kind; if you displease,

She turns into corruption and disease.


Everyone has venereal diseases! The ghost of Cuntigratia appears; she has died of a STI!


Bolloximian retires, vowing to die buggering Pockenello as the stage turns to a scene of fire and brimstone


Fin.


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